On my mind

Softness/toughness, Steak Diane pop up, exciting personal update

Hey friends,

I’m late to the party this week — my apologies! I blame my sleep troubles for robbing me of interesting feelings and thoughts, and thus stifling my ability to write. As we all know by now, I’m useless on little sleep! This past workweek was a particularly intense one as we cooks simultaneously prepped for a busy weekend service and a packed pop-up on Monday and Tuesday. It’s gratifying to be trusted with challenging work, and to feel strong and competent on the line, so I was glad to do it, but my fatigue was profound. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about what it means to be tough, and what the value of toughness is. I generally consider myself a soft, sleepy, homey person. But there’s another side of me that is knife-sharp, perfectionistic, ambitious to a fault, and willing to work herself to the bone. Working as a line cook brings out my thick-skinned, spiky side.

Toughness is a survival mechanism in the kitchen; it’s what keeps you on your feet for ten to twelve hours a day, what allows you to complete impossible prep lists, and what keeps you from shattering under relentless criticism. My biceps are defined from handling heavy boxes, pots, and pans, and my forearms are adorned with burn scars. My fingertips feel raw from peeling piles of garlic and shallots, and I can barely fit my college ring on my finger because it’s so swollen from overuse. And I’m proud of these things! I’m proud that I’m pushing through the hard stuff in the name of learning and connecting and serving beautiful food, and that my body has a purpose beyond visual pleasure.

But when my weekend rolls around, I tend to feel tired to the point of feeling ill. All I really want to do is stay in bed and watch reality television to give my body and mind a break after being on overdrive all week. I usually give myself permission to do so, but I’m always acutely aware of all that I could be experiencing if I weren’t so tired. Is toughness admirable if it removes you from your soft self? 

I must say that our hard work this past week paid off; the pop up was an absolute riot. It was in collaboration with Steak Diane, the drag persona of Todd, a Hart’s regular who runs a homeware design studio. GG crafted a spectacularly campy, luxe menu inspired by French bistros and retro country club fare to match Steak Diane’s vibe. Think shrimp cocktail! Steak tartare! Pommes dauphine with creme fraîche and trout roe! Beds of curly parsley! Diane’s signature dirty vodka martini! Profiteroles with chocolate sauce and boozy cherries! We wore silly little toques to dress the part, and the waiters gave each table a singular red rose and a pack of candy cigarettes with the check. I worked on Monday and was off on Tuesday, so Teo and I made a point of coming in to eat. It’s so healthy to visit your restaurant as a guest, and to enjoy the food without overanalyzing its salt, fat, acid, and heat. I gleefully devoured the meal, not thinking for a moment about how my tired body had helped make it happen.

On the line

The whole kitchen team

Dining at Hart’s on Tuesday

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Finally, I have some exciting news to share! Yesterday, I found out that I was accepted as an intern to the Rome Sustainable Food Project at the American Academy in Rome for Spring/Summer 2023. If all goes according to plan, I’ll be in Rome from February to July, working with the AAR’s kitchen team. I’m excited (and scared), and truthfully haven’t thought much about it since I found out. All I know is that it’s time to brush up on my Italian and prepare myself for this next chapter. 

Love,

Phoebs